Monday, July 14, 2008

Introducing the new Dairy King Frizzard!




When we moved down here I knew the summer heat was something I would have to get used to, especially considering June in Massachusetts ( on the Cape) reaches about 80 as a high and then creeps up to 85 at the peak of summer. Here in Central Arkansas we reach about 95 everyday and the heat lingers until late evening. You only feel it cool down after about 9pm or later. It’s been okay so far because I’m not working on the highway picking up trash or the ultimate worst job ever- paving a street in mid summer, or wait, picking up bloated road kill, yeah, that’s the worst job ever. Everyone tells me that this is nothing and that it is only going to get worse. Worse? What the hell? I have been nearly on the equator and I have never felt heat like this. I was standing in front of my house the other day, in the middle of the road while Alfie was sniffing something disgusting and dead and I was thinking that I was literally melting. I have never felt a summer so hot. So usually when the heat starts getting to me I jump in the nearest body of water, which in downtown Little Rock happens to be a puddle of urine left by a bum. Okay that’s gross and over-exaggerating but sort of true. Considering this may be my only option, and the gas prices are a little too pricey for me to drive for the natural body of water an hour away, I think I’ll just tough it out and stop bitching. Done and done.

So to make things a little bit more dramatic here with the summer heat and the sun burning my skin off my bones, there is no ice cream. Sure, I could go to the store and get some but it’s just not the same. I want an authentic ice cream shop on every corner. Well, not really. My parents were here for the Fourth of July and we drove up north to see Jamey’s family and mid drive we stopped in a small town and purchased $1.00 ice cream. $1.00?! I love it! It was so yummy and the 90 year old lady that served us was even better! Jamey informed me the other day that Dairy Queen has begun the most genius partnership in the history of ice cream partnerships (maybe aside from Mr. Ben and Mr. Jerry of Vermont). DQ has announced their mixture of Thin Mint Girl Scout Cookies as a BLIZZARD! What?! This is a remarkable moment in history. The Blizzard is awesome just as it is but then add some Girl Scout Cookies and you’ve got heaven blended and stirred with yummy chunks of mint and chocolate! AHHHH, I can hardly contain myself only to learn that Little Rock does not have an F’in Dairy Queen. Okay, now I’m really pissed. What city in America or street corner near a KFC and McDonalds does not have a Dairy Queen? Am I in America still or have I time warped somewhere else? I’ve done a bit of research on this important matter and it turns out the closest one is 20 miles away. What has Little Rock done to offend the DQ franchise? I’m not sure we’ll ever know but I do have a plausible theory.

My theory begins with TCBY, the international chain that in recent years has fallen on some hard times and can be tricky to find in any city. In fact, I used to frequent a TCBY in Alexandria all the time and then one day it was gone. I mourned for months. It turns out that TCBY had its headquarters here in Little Rock for many years and the large building where the HQ was housed was even called the TCBY building. My theory is this: TCBY has some major beef (no pun intended, I swear) with DQ because they are their biggest competition for soft serve and so they had the city zoned so DQ could not open franchises within the city limits or they will get their knees capped by masked men in jumpsuits. That about sums up my theory, I mean, what else could it be? People in the south don’t eat greasy cheeseburgers, oozy cheesy hot dogs and ice cream sundaes the size of your head? Umm, I doubt that, in fact, the obesity rate here proves that’s not true. It’s definitely the knee-capping masked men theory. I am going to change the fate of this town and open a Dairy King and sell Boy Scout cookies and ice cream mixed in what will be called a “Frizzard.” Let me know if you want in on a franchise in your town. Add that to my list of business ideas that will make me millions.

Finally, an update on our pup Alfie. He’s awesome. That’s about it. We’re totally in love. Here’s a picture or two for your enjoyment. He’s gained 8 pounds in fourteen days and is continuing to grow. Alfie and his cousin Arnie have bonded pretty well, they talk about their ears and life as a hound dog and they generally get on really well. Hope everyone is happy and healthy and thoroughly enjoying their summer!

Oh! P.P.S.- Jamey landed another freelance job working for Rough Guides this summer. He will be contributing to the Rough Guide to the USA, which is fortunate for us because that’s where we live. Jamey will be covering Mississippi, specifically the Delta Blues Trail and Arkansas. Hey, that’s where we live! Arkansas! So we will be the backpacking and touring authorities on the Delta region of the South in addition on how to evade the police in Panama. Road trips! We’ll keep you updated!